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What happens when one person in a lesbian couple transitions to male? Aram Hosie, the partner of WA senator-elect Louise Pratt, tells Katrina Fox about his own experience.
How long have you and Louise been a couple?
We’ve been together since December 2005.
What was her reaction to your announcement that you wanted to transition?
I think Lou had her suspicions actually, probably even before I had a clue. She bought me a tie and Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, which at the time I stuck on the bookshelf and studiously ignored!
The reality of my announcement was still a surprise though, and it came pretty early in our relationship, but still, Louise has only ever offered absolute and unconditional love and support to me. I’m a very lucky man.
How does it affect her sexuality – ie someone who identifies or has identified as a lesbian?
The short answer is, it doesn’t. Louise’s identity as a lesbian is her own, it’s been constant in her life and is independent of whatever is going on with me. She’s very connected with the lesbian feminist community and well acquainted with all the history and experience that goes with that. Louise’s sexuality remains unchanged as lesbian. Gutsy, strident femme lesbian, at that!
Do you consider yourselves a straight couple now?
Both Louise and I have a long history with the gay and lesbian community and still very much view those communities as our home. The concept of being ‘heterosexual’ is really, really foreign to both of us, and so we identify and describe ourselves as being a queer couple.
What have been the main issues in terms of your relationship?
I had the common issue that many trans people who are already in a relationship have when they first start transitioning – will my partner still love me/be attracted to me? It worried me for a while despite Lou’s assurances, but as time has shown it’s genuinely ok. Other than that, the only other issues are probably related to identity.
First it was grappling with what my transition meant for our identities – that was until we worked out that it was entirely up to us to identify however we wanted. Then Lou had to do some reassuring and explaining to concerned friends and family who worried about ‘what this meant’ for her. Once they understood though, that was also fine.
Probably the only enduring challenge for us is about being ‘invisible’ as queer in a lot of settings. Certainly, there are many environments where we’re assumed to be a bog-standard heterosexual couple, and whilst there’s nothing wrong with that and indeed sometimes it’s an assumption that has its benefits, it’s still a little bit of a weird experience for two not-very-heterosexual-people.
Lou faces additional invisibility within gay and lesbian communities too, I think because she’s femme and I’m a little bit camp so we often get pegged as gay boy and fag hag. That’s fine for me, but makes her completely invisible.
Would you and Louise legally marry?
I don’t think Lou would marry me until all our friends in same-sex relationships could marry their partners too. I think she’d feel like she was jumping ship on the struggle for equality. She just wouldn’t do it, and come to think of it, neither would I.
What advice would you give to couples where one wants to transition?
It’s hard to give generic advice on this one. The reality is that some couples can’t or won’t survive one partner transitioning. But if it’s going to work, you’ve obviously got to start from a place of being ridiculously in love, and then you need to add to that bucket loads of communication and patience. It’s important to talk everything through honestly – there’s no point avoiding a subject if you’re worried about hurting your partner.
The non-transitioning partner will need to be patient with the partner who’s transitioning, because there will be times when they’re a bit self-obsessed and basically hard work to be around. The transitioning partner also will need to be patient and give their other half time to get used to the idea and work through any issues – they probably haven’t been thinking about it for as long.
Getting educated about all there is to know also helps – through the internet, reading, talking to others. And finally, remembering that the trans thing is not the be all and end all to life. You can identify and be however you want; your relationship is a separate thing to the issue of transitioning, even if sometimes at the beginning it doesn’t feel like that!
Aram Hosie is president of the WA Gender Project (www.wagenderproject.org ). The NSW Gender Centre is at www.gendercentre.org.au.
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