Francesca Sciacca interviewed two Italian lesbians, plus her mum, about reconciling your culture with your sexuality.
Like most coming out stories, there is always a lot of tears and dare I say a lot of clichés. Mostly I think it is because of the one-sided perspective that it is told from. By all means tell your stories and be proud, but once in a while, if you dare, get interested in how it is for the one being told. A new world opens up.
My Mum, Linda, grew up being the eldest of five, all girls, all Italians and all couldn’t wait to put on the white dress and walk down the aisle with their very own Casanova. It was the 1970s after all and apparently that’s what you did. For me, I never dreamed of wearing the white dress. Maybe it was because I grew up with two brothers, maybe it was because I wanted to be a bus driver, maybe it was because I wanted to have a bride. When most girls were checking out Tom Cruise in Cocktail, I was dreaming of Elisabeth Shue.
My mother refused to meet my partner, refused to hear about her, refused to have her over for Christmas. It was horrible and the more I defended and justified myself the worse it got. We’d sit and eat a beautiful bowl of pasta together while talking around the lesbian rhinoceros head on the table. This went on for months. Funny thing, though, the moment I stopped making my coming out about me and got interested in how it was for Mum having her only daughter be a lesbian, miraculous things began to happen.
Sitting in her reclining chair my mother thinks back. She says: “When I first found out, every emotion a person can feel I felt. The emotion that was strongest was anger and I thought, ‘How could she do this to me?’ Until I spoke with your dad and he told me to stop thinking about myself and think about what you’d been through. You were very upset because you thought you were shattering my dreams and I just realised that it wasn’t about me.”
My mother dug to the depth of her soul to accept my relationship with Danica. “I did seek help from PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). All I knew was that I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought if we could keep it quiet, that would be all right. But then you decided you didn’t want to hide it. By you coming out, that means a lot of people had to come out and I struggled with that and sought help once more. I was also concerned about my religious beliefs. I spoke to someone from Mosaic Ministries (a Christian group that helps those coming to terms with sexuality) who was very helpful and she told me about a member of her family that was like that. I was thinking you know, ‘What would God say? What would God do?’ What I learnt from that was how to love unconditionally.”
So there’s coming out to your Mum and then Mum coming out to her family.
“When you wanted to bring Danica into the family, I wasn’t very keen about that and I needed to come out to my family. But then I got this defence thing up that if someone said something about lesbians, I was ready to defend. I know that there were members of my family that knew and they thought I didn’t and that was really odd, ’cos I could tell which ones knew and which ones didn’t. And just for the record, I thought Italians weren’t lesbians!”
Well for the record Mum, I’ve discovered more than one Italian lesbian. Chatting about her family is the ever-so-charming Rocco by day – Rocco D’Amore by night.
“Whenever I speak to my grandmother on the phone,” Rocco says, “she’ll always ask how my girlfriend is. It’s the first thing. They really like her. There have been girlfriends that I’ve taken home and they haven’t really been impressed with.” She laughs, realising that there will be ex’s reading this, and continues: “My girlfriend is Maltese. My family feel a connection with her – Sicilian and Malta being so close. My mother has always wanted me to stick to my own kind, stick with your Italian people.”
“My mother told my dad [that I’m a lesbian] and he was very easy going about it…What he actually said was, ‘You’re better going out with girls because all men are bastards!’”
Well, maybe not all men: while most young Italian women were doing everything to get rid of hair on their top lip, Rocco was in front of her bedroom mirror dressing up in her father’s suit, drawing on fake moustaches using her mother’s make-up and miming along to George Michael’s ‘Careless Whispers’.
So there’s coming out as a lesbian and then as a drag king. An Italian drag king!
“My mother is quietly chuffed by what I do,” Rocco goes on. “She doesn’t understand why I have to dress up like a boy. She says why can’t I do that, but as a girl? Yeah, right mum – with a pair of rollers in my hair and high heel shoes!”
Could be interesting, although I wouldn’t hold my breath. However, expect to have your breath taken away when this classic Italian god appears at the Annual Variety LBGTIQ Dance in May. Rocco D’Amore will be doing it the Italiano way – which suits Cinzia Ambrosio just fine.
Cinzia is an out Italian lesbian on a mission to ensure that Italian culture is preserved. She is one of the founders of Arcilesbica (pronounced Ar-CHI-lesbica), a support network for Italian Australian women who identify as lesbians, bisexual, gay, transgender, intersex or queer.
“People go on that we’re all humans,” Cinzia says. “But ultimately we’ve been in some way [impacted] within our home environment, with the people we associated with at school. That’s had an impact. It’s the nature versus nurture argument. Nature, we’re all human. Nurture, some of that cultural aspect comes into it. And I thought it would be good to call on women who can understand where I come from.”
During the year the Italian women within Arcilesbica come together for traditional sauce making days, gnocchi making days and a game of bocce. Cinzia knows the importance of building rapport with the broader Italian community and finding ways to normalise being an out Italian lesbian.
“Sometimes I think the fact that I’m so passionate about my Italian culture is a way of me respecting mum and dad more. Now, that may be some of my own homophobia coming out. Why do I say that? Because I feel like I haven’t been the person that mum wanted me to be. I’m happy the way I am, but I’m not living my life the way my mum wants me to live it. In some way I feel I’m disrespecting her. This love and this passion for the Italian culture is a way of me demonstrating to my mum and dad that even though I’m a lesbian I still respect them. I used to wear dresses, mainly because of my religion [ex Jehovah’s Witness]. I felt like a drag queen, but I used to wear dresses!” We laugh. “The way that I am now is right.
“Being true to yourself will open doors for you, and, if you’re coming out into the Italian family, plates of delicious Italian food. Because I can tell you now that once you’re in with the Italians, you’re in forever. Mum will cook Bridget’s [partner] favourite foods, so that’s the acceptance there that I see.”
The Annual Variety Italian LBGTIQ Dance will showcase the original Flag Sisters (Le Sorelle Bandiera), plus Rocco D’Amore, Elivra and Signora Gessica, MC Neil Hansen and Petula Flag.
Saturday, May 16, 6:30pm-12:30am
Northcote Town Hall, Melbourne
Tickets: 0412 868 438 or:
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Pre-purchased tickets only
Perhaps a link should go up on pinksofa.com? Might be good advertising for the Italian community there.
... written by mustufa , 05 April, 2009
loved reading your story. Im a greek leso,i have been through the same. It has made me who I am today,made me stronger. here here. see you at the dance. Dancing the tarun tella
Francesca Sciacca interviewed two Italian lesbians, plus her mum, about reconciling your culture with your sexuality.
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