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Nikó Antalffy discusses the ethics
of non-monogamy.
 Have
you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time or wondered if
there is an ethical and honest way to be non-monogamous while also maintaining
a healthy, loving and committed relationship (or all of the above)?
Polyamory
(aka ‘poly’) is a form of responsible non-monogamy based on honesty, trust,
respect, communication and the idea that many of us have the capacity and
desire to love multiple people at the same time.
Many
lesbians, queer and bi women have discovered this ethical non-monogamy for
themselves and are benefiting from it. For some it’s a fresh alternative to
more common forms of non-consensual monogamy, such as cheating or overlapping
serial monogamy – scenarios that indicate frustrations with the limitations of
traditional ways of forming relationships.
For
Kittie, a 40-year-old Sydneysider, poly comes out of bisexuality. “If you like
both genders it’s difficult to confine yourself to just one person,” she says.
“It has to be a process of negotiation of compatibility. In poly relationships
things may be more complicated but I end up being less resentful. It also gives
me a good conceptual underpinning for my identity.”
Many
think of poly as a truly progressive ethical alternative – a kind of ‘open
source’ love for the 21st century that brings new forms, expressions and
patterns of love, sex and relationships. Some want to reclaim ‘sluthood’ while
others are just drawn by the possibility of free self-expression in sexuality,
lifestyle and intimacy.
Poly
is an honest alternative to the restrictions of monogamy. “Mono people tend to
live a lie,” says Huntress, a bisexual poly mistress in Adelaide. “They have affairs and breach each
other’s trust; poly is a more honest kind of relationship.” She and her male
primary partner live together, but she also has poly girlfriends sometimes and
plays with girls at parties. She finds that lesbian circles are less accepting
of poly than the BDSM community she normally mixes with, but being honest and
upfront about her open relationships helps and she believes poly is gradually becoming
more accepted in general. “When poly works it’s wonderful, but you have to be
open and honest and have to work on possible jealousy issues,” Huntress says. “It’s
a mono-centric world but we need to have more choices in the future. Gender is
already becoming less relevant, and as straight and gay become less clear-cut
concepts, perhaps monogamy will go the same way.”
We
poly folk love the abundance of intimacy and sexual freedom our lifestyle
offers yet are mindful that this requires open and honest negotiation of
relationships rules and a thorough expression of personal needs between
partners and lovers. The very idea of poly embraces sexual diversity and poly
folk revel in the reality of multiple genders, sexual orientations and sexual
expressions – all the more to have fun with! Yet there is awareness that this
dream has to be worked on: it takes strength, insight and perseverence to form
strong and honest relationships and queer poly tribes that foster diverse
sexual pathways in life.
Lots
of people confuse poly with swinging and cheating, yet it is richer than
swinging and more ethical than cheating. The main difference is that poly
people are explicitly open to emotional connection and love, and we pursue new
connections with the explicit knowledge and consent of all involved. When done
well, this means that there are fewer bad surprises and everyone’s safety and
happiness is cared for.
Poly
folk use various ‘slut skills’ that help us sustain happy relationships. We
learn to negotiate full consent, set personal relationship rules or guidelines,
work on communication, articulate values and needs, and learn to deal with
jealousy. These aren’t always easy and poly isn’t for everyone, yet a poly
lifestyle can be a deeply satisfying and fulfilling choice for many people.
Lisa,
a 43-year-old lesbian in Brisbane
finds poly rich and liberating. “I want to live with liberty and freedom,” she
says. “Poly for me overcomes the heterosexist patriarchal limitations of
monogamy, which is based on the lie of the happily ever after. I have a
life-long female partner, have long-term girlfriends and casual relationships.
I have a 16-year-old daughter and enjoy the support of a strong women’s
community. The GLBT community needs to realise that poly is the new queer. It’s
not scary, it’s a beautiful subversive movement that has a lot to offer for the
future.”
Poly resources:
The
Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, published by Greenery
Press.
Poly Weekly podcast: http://polyweekly.com
PolyOz: holds poly socials and discussion
groups every month in Sydney, Melbourne
and other cities, plus has online resources: www.polyoz.org
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