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 I picked up the June issue of CHERRIE (#009) and squealed when I saw the cover: ‘Bad Girls Get Your Kink On’. Yes! Yet as I began to read the ‘Kinky Business’ article, I was hit with a sense of unease.
Leesa is quoted in the article as saying, “It’s hard to understand that when a woman is being hit she can actually be in power. Most submissives have an incredible amount of power in the dynamics.”
To her I say: Right on. Balancing the unique personal dynamic of being a firmly empowered feminist and a sexual submissive is a challenge, and those I’ve met who deal with this seeming contradiction are some of the most graceful and amazing women I know. But I can’t help but think that my voice is distinctly missing from this representation of kinky women. And that because my voice is missing, the voices of other women are missing as well. It’s a very dangerous thing to imply that all kinky women either are submissively inclined or likely to switch. I don’t think this article did that explicitly, but the lack of a balancing voice sits uncomfortably on my skin.
I’ve been kinky for as long as I can remember, but in all that time I’ve never been curious about personally becoming euphoric through pain or empowered through submission. No, I’m the other side of the coin. I am a dominant woman. I get off on having power and causing pain.
From our earliest childhoods we’re taught not to explicitly hurt others. So what do you do if you’re a kinky woman with this mantra engraved in your social consciousness, yet you’re aroused by causing pain? It’s an incredibly hard contradiction to tackle, and one of the amazing aspects of the BDSM community is the opportunity to explore this perspective, through support and self-awareness and conscious, intelligent sexual play.
It’s wonderful that the kinky community protects its members fiercely, no matter what their orientation or desires. It’s true, as the article says, that the community will spot bad tops, voice concern, and create safe spaces for bottoms to play.
Yet, it’s also true that the community will spot bad bottoms. It’s also true that sometimes tops need protection. It’s also true that tops need to consent. And especially, it’s also true that I, and women like me, need (and have) safe spaces to express our kinky desires.
Sara Eileen
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